"How to reconstruct your marriage." by Frank Hunting

It is a tragedy today that so many marriages end in divorce and tears and sometimes domestic violence.
Our family and circle of friends has been at times greatly affected by such things.

While this post does not specifically deal with  your actual situation if you have come here with some desperation, for a Christian couple, the teaching here is a great place to start.

Some years ago my wife and I had some marriage  counselling with Frank Hunting.
He was our pastor at the time.
You will find more about Frank in the link below to my specifically Christian blog.
This post is from a collection of Frank's written Bible studies.

http://geoffthompsonstapelibrary.blogspot.com.au/2012/09/introduction-to-this-blog.html

We were a young couple with children at the time facing all the challenges of keeping it together.
We were already Christians.
We were active in our Church but still needed help.

We just did pretty much what is recommended here.

(We were strong enough in our faith, by God's grace, not to need any follow up counselling with Frank although I personally  had many conversations and discussions with him over many years.)

This study by him is along the lines of how we were counselled and  we were able to put these ideas into practice.
While this study is mainly for people who are already Christians there is no reason why non Christians cannot benefit from this if they decided to become Christians.

" WHEN TROUBLE COMES WHAT TAKES PLACE?

Always the partners in the marriage focus their attention on the faults of 
their opposite partner. 

In their minds they list the faults of the opposite partner.

They think about these.

They argue about these.

 They argue about these ,both in their minds and together.

They brood on these faults.

They build up tremendous emotional reactions to each other as a result 
of this thinking and brooding on these faults.

NOW WHAT IS THE OUTCOME OF ALL OF THIS? 

1.Their negative
                fault finding, 
                   thinking 
                           about each other becomes

                           OBSESSIVE.

 They see little of good in their partner and what they do is overwhelmed by 
  the faults they see.

2. The only thing they can see about their marriage is the faults
       and wrongs of their partner.

This convinces them no change for the better is possible in their marriage.

3. They become absolutely despairing and hopeless about any 
    resolution to their marriage.

This despair and hopelessness prevents them from recognising and believing the 
 truth that Christ can so change each one in the marriage partnership as to 
make it possible for a new marriage to be constructed under God's guidance.

THIS STATE OF THINGS NOT ONLY BLINDS SUCH PEOPLE TO THE TWO THINGS THAT WOULD CHANGE THEIR MARRIAGE , BUT MAKES THEM RESISTANT TO THESE TWO THINGS.

1. People are so stirred up over what is wrong in their marriage that, when they are told what can save can save and change their marriage, 
                         THEY REFUSE TO SEE IT AND BELIEVE IT. 

2. Secondly, brooding as they do over the sins and faults and wrongs of their partner,
   the devil is able to make them 
                     STRONGLY RESISTANT TO THE ANSWER TO THEIR                                                              PROBLEM MARRIAGE.

WHAT ARE THE TWO THINGS THAT WILL CHANGE ANY MARRIAGE THAT IS BREAKING OR BROKEN?

1. THE FIRST IS TO BRING JESUS INTO THE MARRIAGE.
      HE HAS THE ANSWER TO ANY MARRIAGE PROBLEM.

  Let me issue a note of warning at this point.

Don't assume because two people are Christians they will bring Jesus into their marriage situations.
                  They don't!

The only place where some Christians leave Jesus out of their living, is in their relationship
 with their marriage partner.

But once Christ is given control of any marriage partnership, true change for the better will begin. 

2  THE SECOND THING IS: IF WE WANT CHANGE IN OUR MARRIAGE THAT CHANGE MUST BEGIN IN "ME" NOT THE OTHER PARTNER

This is the way change comes into a marriage.

If you want change in your marriage.

If you want understanding.


If you want appreciation.

If you want peace instead of argument.


Let it start in you.


DON'T DEMAND IT START IN YOUR PARTNER.


The resistance brought to OPPOSE THESE TWO WORKABLE SOLUTIONS TO MARRIAGE PROBLEMS IS FORMIDABLE.

HOW DO YOU BRING CHRIST INTO YOUR MARRIAGE?

1. FIRST YOU MUST BRING HIM RIGHT INTO THE CENTRE AND CONTROL OF YOUR LIFE 

2. IF YOU HAND THE CONTROL OF YOUR 
                     TONGUE
                           REACTIONS
                              ACTIONS
                                   THOUGHTS
                                       and FEELINGS

OVER TO JESUS HE WILL TELL YOU WHAT TO DO. 

If you are determined to let Him change your home and will carry out what He tells you, you can listen to His guidance as to what you are to do.-AND IF YOU ARE GENUINE HE WILL TELL YOU.

HE will tell you .

      where you are to change.
       what you are not to say.
      what wrong feelings you must give up.
      what ways you are to 
            show love and make your 
                  partner happy. "

My prayer is that if you have come across this post at just the right time in your crisis you will be able to let Jesus reconstruct your marriage.

Here is a link to more about Jesus as a counsellor.

https://geoffthompsonsblog.blogspot.com/2011/07/his-name-is-counsellor.html

Advice for Newly Weds from a Wedding Photographer

 

ADVICE TO NEWLY WEDS- from  a Wedding Photographer

Some years ago, starting out as a young married couple we were very much immersed, particularly when we had young children, in the Ministry of Dr James Dobson from Focus on the Family ,a Christian organisation that he founded.

He had a film series that was very helpful to us in the 1970’s and also had  a radio programme from which many cassettes were produced.

One of the cassettes was entitled “Advice to Newly Weds”.

It contained very good  advice for those wishing to heed it.

At one stage as a young man  starting out in  wedding photography who regarded his photography as a Christian Ministry, I had an idea of presenting the tape to all couples whose wedding I photographed.

I decided not to do that as it was not really my role as a photographer to do it, so I thought..

Sadly I am aware some of those marriages have not lasted.

Some whose weddings I did,  caused me to question the match and how long the wedding would last and thankfully some of those people proved my judgement wrong.

So now in the age of blogging I thought I would share some of my thoughts on the theme as titled.

As a wedding photographer you are given the privilege of being very involved with young couples on their special day and I am always prayerful that the marriage will be a good one and able to withstand the challenges along the way.

As wedding photographers we present the couple as atrractively as we can and try to capture the romance of their special day.

While the photos I produce , I  think are great, and as a romantic at heart I try for the  romance of the occasion, they do not depict real life in as much that after all the celebration and the honeymoon period is over, couples have to settle into the daily task of being married, working, bringing up children and interacting and relating with others. .

There are all the challenges that can happen in life;  illness, accidents, mortgages, possible unemployment periods, children difficult to handle, teenagers running off the rails, schooling difficulties, broken friendships and relationships.

The scourge of Drugs and other ills in our society.

Our family has faced  many  of these and the challenges do not go away as long as we draw breath.

So what is a plan to make your marriage work.

A young couple who recently were married in our Church were given some homework by there counsellor, to ask mature, long married couples in their Church how they had stayed married so long and what advice would we give them.

We were very touched that they asked us amongst others.

Here are some of our thoughts.

My wife and I have engraved on our wedding rings a quote from the book of Ephesians Chapter 4:2

From the Living Bible it says this.

² Always be humble and gentle. Be patient with each other, making allowance for each other’s faults because of your love.

The following verses also are an important part of the plan as well.

³ Make every effort to keep yourselves united in the Spirit, binding yourselves together with peace. ⁴ For there is one body and one Spirit, just as you have been called to one glorious hope for the future. ⁵ There is one Lord, one faith, one baptism, ⁶ and one God and Father, who is over all and in all and living through all.

Be committed to your Marriage and your partner.

If you are Christians it is God’s will for you that your marriage is until death do you  part.

We try to make sure that we do things together,

        go on holidays together,

to the same concerts.

This doesn’t always happen.

I have come to enjoy operas but I doubt my wife will ever enjoy football.

At all times to always be on your guard when mixing with the opposite sex.

If you are a good listener and you care about people  you may find yourselves in a situation where the person receiving your help thinks there is more in it than you intend.

Be very judicious if you drink alcohol.

When we are intoxicated is when we are in trouble.

My preference and rule is no alcohol at all.

(Bearing in mind I don’t believe the Bible

forbids the drinking of alcohol but we are warned to  “ not let our Brother stumble.”)

The thing is you or your wife might be the one stumbling.

Do not hero worship your partner.

They are capable of letting you down as much as anyone else.

Build in to your marriage the highest aims and ideals but realise that the only perfect

human being was Jesus.

It is He we should put first and worship.

When the going gets rough in a marriage don’t be so proud as to not ask for help but

choose your counsellor wisely.

1 Corinthians Chapter 13 is often read out at weddings.

Don’t just read it claim it for your marriage.

And at verses 4-7 substitute the name Love or it with your first name.

In a marriage and in life as a Christian give up your right to yourself.

1 Corinthians 13

New Living Translation (NLT)

1 Corinthians 13

Love Is the Greatest

 ¹ If I could speak all the languages of earth and of angels, but didn’t love others, I would only be a noisy gong or a clanging cymbal. ² If I had the gift of prophecy, and if I understood all of God’s secret plans and possessed all knowledge, and if I had such faith that I could move mountains, but didn’t love others, I would be nothing. ³ If I gave everything I have to the poor and even sacrificed my body, I could boast about it;^[a] but if I didn’t love others, I would have gained nothing.

 ⁴ Love is patient and kind. Love is not jealous or boastful or proud ⁵ or rude. It does not demand its own way. It is not irritable, and it keeps no record of being wronged. ⁶ It does not rejoice about injustice but rejoices whenever the truth wins out. ⁷ Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance.

 ⁸ Prophecy and speaking in unknown languages^[b] and special knowledge will become useless. But love will last forever! ⁹ Now our knowledge is partial and incomplete, and even the gift of prophecy reveals only part of the whole picture! ¹⁰ But when full understanding comes, these partial things will become useless.

 ¹¹ When I was a child, I spoke and thought and reasoned as a child. But when I grew up, I put away childish things. ¹² Now we see things imperfectly as in a cloudy mirror, but then we will see everything with perfect clarity.^[c] All that I know now is partial and incomplete, but then I will know everything completely, just as God now knows me completely.

 ¹³ Three things will last forever—faith, hope, and love—and the greatest of these is love.

Well there is so much more.

I don’t believe marriages are made in Heaven. In fact the Bible tells us there is no marriage in Heaven.

Marriages are made here on earth and we need to fight for our marriage to be as God intends it to be.

There are high standards for marriage in the  Bible but God never asks us to do anything that He cannot or will not supply the power for us to carry it out.

The Christian family , if it is being Christian, has by virtue of Jesus , the in built ability to overcome  any challenges